Take A Tip One Nation Melbourne Cup

— Phantom Call 2026  —

By Jeanine Bird

Distance:  3,200 metres  (166^th Cup);   Time:  3pm Aust EST, 3^rd November, 2026.

Take A Tip One Nation Melbourne Cup Sponsored by Lexus, Orange Wave, and No Net Zero

$10.2m purse – 1^st $4.5m; 2^nd: $1.1m; 3^rd: $560,000; 4^th: $360,000; 5^th: $240,000; 6-12^th: 160,000; 
13-24^th: $100,000.

Field: (including Jockeys and Owners [O])

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Melbourne on a Spring day – as unpredictable as the horses in today’s 166^th Melbourne Cup, 2026. It’s a damp and grey day with a wet and heavy track, not unlike the Aussie economic outlook with Albo in charge of the sinking ship, so betting has swung to wet runners in this two mile, 3,200 metre “most famous of races” – the race that stops a nation!

Punters are here to drown their sorrows and see if they can win next month’s rent because the RBA has    today just announced the 17^th interest rate rise under the Albanese government.  Nevertheless, Flemington’s beautiful yellow roses are shining through for this Take A Tip One Nation Melbourne Cup.  The yellow vista represents the last vestiges of Aussie ingenuity and  entrepreneurship –  popping their bright sunny yellow heads out hopefully, despite the gloom.  The crowd is on another cloud expecting an orange wave to brighten things up a bit.

As usual, the international raiders are here looking to steal our $10.2m cost of living budget to offset their carbon credits for the trip in. Take a tip, this One Nation Melbourne Cup may just be the last time they can do that if the Lexis orange wave of discontent sweeps Victoria later this month and implements a No Net Zero policy.    How that would affect this magnificent display of horse-power is anyone’s guess, but one thing’s for sure – they’ll burst out of the barriers and run!

Come rain, hail or shine they’ll energise the field, unlike those ruinable wind and solar projects that won’t turn lights on for a day like today.  Mum and Dad punters hanging over the mounting yard fence fear this horse-power might soon be all that’s left to drive the economy.   Charming Jim’s given up and Albo’s lost count of his melons.

Jockeys are all mounted and making their way out of the mounting yard in a sea of colour against the grey skies.  Punters are determined to forget the credit squeeze for a day and ignore the Canberra inflation bubble. They make their way to the barriers hoping to make Future History as they shake the Middle Earth, while punters are Strictly Business – as are the Stewards.

Cory Bernardi’s trying to settle Hopewell Rock (12) as Matt Keane on Enfjaar (6) dropped a silent methane concoction for Albo to Kizlyar (19) him sideways into Warren Pickering on Asterix (9).  Stewards issued a pre-race warning but Albo denied he was even there.

First in the barrier is Ian Plimer on Middle Earth (4) fully intending to go for gold, then Ben Roberts-Smith on Knights Choice (3) in without a fuss.  Pauline Hanson on the 4 year old mare Strictly Business (21) into barrier 4 while David McBride on Sons And Lovers (1) isn’t too keen to go back inside for honour and is giving the barrier attendants a bit of grief.

Malcolm Roberts guides So You Are (16) in without fuss; Ursula von der Leyen not happy one over on Soul of Spain (14) in barrier 5; less happy when Warren Pickering crowds her in from barrier 6 on Asterix (9).  Barrier attendants shut Matt Keane on Enfjaar (6) into barrier 8 then have to man-handle Chris “Blackout” Bowen into barrier 10 on Zakouma (23).  Tony Burke’s battling to keep Zaahraan (15) under control …. attendants guide him into 11.

Entire Point of Law (20) with rebel anti-corruption fighter from the west, Adrian McRae all business, locked and loaded in  barrier 9.  Donald Trump on number 13 Onesmoothoperator comes in peace, gliding straight into barrier 13 without a hitch.  Mike Newman into 12 next to the Donald hoping to Take A Tip for his own Future History, as Cory Bernardi explains how it’s done on Hopewell Rock (15).

“Father of the House” Bob Katter expertly guides Juja Kibo into barrier 14, not too disappointed with the wet conditions.  Jim Chalmers straight into the casino barrier 16 on Mr Monaco; Gerard Rennick bursts his bubble coming into 17 beside him on Shockletz (24) and confuses Jim no end on monetary policy.

The Starter takes his stand as the last horses are loaded in.  David Farley on Trustyourinstinct (2) next to Sall Grover on mare Goodie Two Shoes (10) without a hitch.  Albo’s next into barrier 20 on Kizlyar (19) hoping for a bit of Irish luck.

Matt Canavan on Vauban locked into 22; Topher Field next door in 23 on Wine Dark Sea (8).  Jennifer Marahosy having a bit of trouble handling Royal Supremacy – he seems to have a bit of a BOM under him, but barrier attendants expertly guide him into 22; then last into barrier 24 is Barnaby Joyce on the gelding James J Braddock.(18)

The starter gives the signal to jockeys as he readies for his best start…

And they’re away to a pretty even start, Tony Burke jumping Zahraan out faster than illegal immigrants coming in; Albo trying to position Kizlyar so the dirt file sprays behind him.  Pauline Strictly Business heading off Ursula von der Leyen’s CBDC plans on Soul of Spain.  On the rails, Middle Earth digs deep for coal, Knights Choice giving Ben Roberts-Smith a smooth ride between the belligerent top brass; Sons And Lovers likewise steering David McBride through the kangaroo court to keep him off the rails.

Still a tight field with plenty of mud flying, Warren Pickering planting an Asterix on Mr Monaco as Jim Chalmers rides for the Casino to balance the budget.  Point of Law positioned nicely for McRae to take down the council corruption in Pt Hedland, Shokletz says to Trustyourinstinct on the WA Electoral Commission’s negligent role.  Knit-Wit Cooker’s looking to Hopewell Rock to bury it under Middle Earth or drop it in the Wine Dark Sea.  Jennifer Marahosy’s seen it all before at the Bureau of Meteorology (BOM) supposing Royal Supremacy to Kizlyar the records big time and Vauban the consequences.

So You Are midfield with Malcolm aboard exposing Matt Kean’s excuse for Climate Change megabuck subsidies to gobbleopolies that still can’t make it work.  Barnaby on James J Braddock giving the Zakouma to the Net Zero swindle too, his whip out to ensure it’s not Future History if Mike Newman has his way. Trump on Onesmoothoperator shows how it’s done: Drill Baby Drill, get out of Paris, don’t be a Goodie Two Shoes and send them all your money So You Are broke to the Juja Kibo.

Sall Grover made a move on Goodie Two Shoes and just for a giggle in a Hopewell Rock moment took a Point Of Law to the High Court.  It was Strictly Business though she could have done with Mr Monaco and the casino behind her to prove women have wombs.  Sons and Lovers didn’t need Royal Supremacy as it turned out a Shockletz when Trustyourinstinct wasn’t enough to prove on a Point Of Law that men couldn’t birth.  The High Court ventured into a Wine Dark Sea on that one, giving Goodie Two Shoes and real women the Juja Kibo, Zakoumaing that argument and changing reality.  Sall’s put an Asterix beside it and heading to the Soul of Spain until there’s an Orange wave of common sense, which Pauline says will be Strictly Business, and soon.

Onesmoothoperator Trump declared no such thing would box the US in on the rails and wrote an Executive Order to Vauban it for Future History and no Knights Choice could ever overturn the Kizlyar even with the Deep State’s money-printing machines Elon found to Mr Monaco the deal.

Meanwhile Aussies are jack of the Uniparty’s debt race to Middle Earth and are giving it the Zahrann, supporting One Nation big time.  As they come up to the turn Cory’s taken the lead showing the way in SA, paving the way to a Future History for One Nation.

Victorian farmers are on the Knights Choice to Juja Kibo the Hopewell Rock of climate scam stupidity and property acquisitions in the name of Royal Supremacy that ends up with the CCP closing them in on the turn.  It’s not Strictly Business at all, it’s a takeover and wealth transfer and they’re awake up to it with Sons and Lovers jacking up on Middle Earth to give the Uniparty a Shockletz in the bets.

They’ve discovered the energy gobbleopolies chop and change ownership, giving the Zahraan finger to farmers in an Enfjaar Juja Kibo, leaving them with the clean-up and skyrocketing energy bills.  It’s no Future History and Barnaby says it’s not Strictly Business, it’s a swindle, and the Point of Law is buried in the small print to Shokletz Aussies.

As if that’s not enough, they’ve galloped in Ruina-bulls with toxic substances which flake off into our soil, water and aquifers leaving us on the rails with a toxic Future History that even a Wine Dark Sea couldn’t clean up.

Goodie Two Shoes says its a Shockletz asbestos of the future and the fallout will be worse than “$6m man” Albo’s melons or Kylie scandals by a Middle Earth right to the Soul of Spain.  The CCP is Onesmoothoperator when it comes to scamming our pollies, but it’s all facilitated by Matt Keane and Blackout Bowen galloping down the James J Braddock straight with the UN to Paris and beyond corruption against the Australian people.

It’s industrial decimation says Topher and citizen journalists marking the Asterix So You Are aware of the Enfjaar at foot. David Farley says Trustyourinstinct and save our Future History by releasing our water instead of sending it down to top up the ocean.  Salt of the Middle Earth farmers want to farm to feed the nation, but Albo & Co are locked into the UN.  They say the Water Act’s all about UN agreements Royal Supremacy over Aussie rights.

Burke and Blackout Bowen know the water scam is about Sustainable Development Goals and won’t give it to Aussies.    Ursula and Christine Lagarde want the Soul of Spain to get it instead; it’s Strictly Business when they bankrupt and structurally adjust Aussies forcefully.    If they squeal they’ll be run through on a Point of UN Law, claiming Royal Supremacy as they stick the Kizlyar in and Tony Burke twists the Zahrann knife to kill food production.  Sustainable Community grants get the socialist Asterix and do nothing for communities except cover up the destructive Zahrann Juja Kibo perpetrated on them as they race down the globalist gurgler.

They’re coming into the straight now, Cory’s dropped back on Hopewell Rock, having shown the way. David Farley on Trustyourinstinct won in a landslide and has done more for water in six months than Sussan Ley did in government. He’s still going strong pushing for Royal Supremacy of Farrer to produce Knights Choice food from Middle Earth and advocating if Albo was Onesmoothoperator he’d release water quick smart for Future History.   Now it’s up to the Victorian orange wave to flood Warren Pickering’s Asterix with an orange Wine Dark Sea to Shockletz the nation with a landslide change for posterity.    Next will come Mike Newman and Minns is already preparing for some Sons And Lovers family time  to accommodate Future History in NSW.

As they gallop for the winning post, it’s going to be a close finish for much of the field.  Ben Roberts-Smith and David McBride on Knights Choice and Sons And Lovers are making a strong move to make a Point Of Law to governmental over-reach using kangaroo courts to encompass repeats of Breaker Morant with Future History.  Both heading home strongly on the wings of an awakened Aussie public who get the Vauban of  Mr Monaco corruption.

Trailing so far behind he’s left the country is Albo trying to Kizlyar King Charles.  He’s just behind Ursula on Soul of Spain too busy working out how to commandeer not only the EU’s, but our savings too with the new EU FTA.    Ursula and Christine Lagarde say they can use our money better and it’s Strictly Business if they steal it.  Bunched up just ahead in their own little bubble are Jim Chalmers still working on cashing in Mr Monaco’s chips while Albo’s not looking; Blackout Bowen switching off Zakouma ‘cause the sun don’t shine.  Tony Burke’s got extra weight of illegal immigrants on Zahrann and Matt Keane’s climate finally changed when the CCP Enfjaar’d him so he’s well back in the field.

Matt Canavan is at the back of the second tight bunch on Vauban but dropping back, heading for the lower house in a Nat’s Last Stand attempt.  Bunched up just ahead are Cory on Hopewell Rock, Barnaby on James J Braddock’s been doing too much trail riding, Gerard Rennick onto the money on Shockletz neck a neck with Malcolm on So You Are exposing climate change fraud.   Sall on Goodie Two Shoes Trumping Onesmoothoperator in the middle of Topher’s Wine Dark Sea all bunched up vying for gold.

Just ahead in another tight bunch are the front-runners, galloping fast now.  David Farley on Trustyourinstinct threading through Bob Katter’s NQ secession on Juja Kibo, Jennifer Marahosy trying to homegenise the opposition on Royal Supremacy.

It’s going to be close – this group’s sticking together. Adrian McRae’s Point of Law making a break in WA a nose in front now; Pauline’s got the whip out to Strictly Business, Ian Plimer’s called time on “Net Zero Green Murder” drilling  for Middle Earth.  McBride’s going for broke on Sons And Lovers; Point of Law at the front now, Ben Roberts-Smith’s a nose behind on Knights Choice not taking scapegoat for an answer.  Here comes Warren Pickering on Asterix pulling ahead by a nose to Trustyourinstinct.   Ben on Knights Choice going for another Victoria Cross.   It’s tight as a drum, 5 across – Asterix, Sons and Lovers, Point of Law,   Knights Choice, Trustyourinstinct – hardly a nose between them.

At the finish line, Pickering pushes Asterix by half a nose, it’s Warren’s race today.  Knights Choice, Point of Law, Trustyourinstinct, Sons and Lovers – still barely a nose in it and will need a photo.

Next bunch is still tight too – Strictly Business, Middle Earth, Royal Supremacy, Future History, Juja Kibo, then So You Are, Goodie Two Shoes; Trump 13^th on Onesmoothoperator – a trifecta – number, barrier, and place all 13; Wine Dark Sea, James J Braddock in 15^th place but this bunch oh so tight and just behind the winning bunch.

It’s so tight at the front but the 2026 Take A Tip One Nation Melbourne Cup goes to the orange wave, with Warren Pickering taking Victoria by storm today on Asterix.  A photo confirmation if not a tie for the next four is second – Ben Roberts-Smith on Knights Choice, 3^rd Adrian McRae on Point of Law, 4^th David Farley on Trustyourinstinct and 5^th David McBride on Sons and Lovers; Pauline on Strictly Business 6^th,  then Middle Earth, Royal Supremacy, Future History and Juja Kibo.

And that, Ladies and Gents, as the winner and placegetters congratulate each other and pump the air as they head back to the winner’s circle,  is the Melbourne Cup for another year – a wet course, and as tight as ever a Cup has been for a good while.

Jeanine Bird

2/11/26

This phantom call is in memory of Grant Bird, my soul-mate who passed away this year.  He was always amused and got a good chuckle from these cup calls.   I did the first one many years ago at a Union of Farmers seminar we were running at either Minnipa or Poochera on the West Coast of SA.  The second day of the seminar just happened to be on Melbourne Cup day, so we decided to have some fun.  I think it was Colleen and Narelle who collected a heap of ladies hats and made the men wear them for their sins.  I did my first politically incorrect Melbourne Cup call there – possibly 1994, because the first seminars we ran were in Qld – I think Clermont was the first.  It was a one-day seminar, but no-one would go home, so from then on they were two-day seminars – Muttaburra and Winton were after that; so I think SA was next.  In any case, that was my first phantom cup call, and I’ve done many since – with a bit of a break somewhere in between, but resumed again for at least the last 10 years.  That’s an awful lot of rot!!

Grant always loved the gobbledegook I came up with for these calls, so this is a special tribute to him.  They’re an awful lot of work though, so I might hobble the old grey mare and hang up my horse-shoes after this one.

The Take A Tip in the title is a nod to Grant too – he once had a horse (before I ever met him) called Take A Tip, of excellent breeding, which he bought because it had broken down.  He felt it wasn’t being trained properly, and had it trained by someone who trained quietly to strengthen, and who used nutrition (not always fashionable then, but something Grant understood and was interested in).  Take A Tip consequently had many wins and handy places, and gave him a lot of pleasure.  Hence, the title of my 2026 Take A Tip One Nation Melbourne Cup.

Valé Grant… this one’s for you my friend.